Marriage & Relationship

Signs to Look for in a Relationship that May not Work

Manipulation by Partner: We need to look carefully for signs of manipulation from our potential partner. Early on there will be “Tells” of manipulation such as sulking when there are disagreements and you are not in agreement with your partner over things that are not of great importance, faking tears and “acting” upset when things do not go their way, but be careful not to accuse your partner of false tears unless there is obvious evidence in case you misjudge them.

Withholding affection, sex or attention when you don’t do what they demand, controlling the money and treating you like a child that only gets money from them or even your shared bank account when you “behave” yourself or do what you are told to do. Feigning sickness to emotionally manipulate you, the person may well have a genuine illness but use it to control their partner or gain sympathy and to play the victim, again we must carefully discern and be sensitive that we are not accusing our partner of playing the victim card, the best way to tell if they are playing you is to look at their history and see if they have used their illness real or fake to manipulate people in their past, people tend to not break these habits so its a good way of discerning the truth, again be gentle and kind but firm and tell them that there behaviour will not work with you, you will love them and support them but not be manipulated, help them break free from the bad habit with practical help and love, if they refuse then its going to be a problem.

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Manipulative Partners may cause you to distance yourself from friends and family that are good for your social well being and personal growth, a partner may begin by being “polite” or not, but they speak to you about spending time with others is not allowing you to have time together and that you should put them first, now again wisdom is needed in this matter because its possible that you may have demanding friends or family so you will need to balance out your time spent fairly amongst them all and be wise to manipulating friends or family too, however the manipulating partner will look for faults in your friends and family that are not a concern or significant to you and will “focus” on any perceived faults in order to turn you against your friends and family, your partner may even cause drama between you and your peers to cause you to fall out or even get you to choose between them and your family etc as a proof that you love them more.

Don’t allow a partner to get you to do things that you are not happy to do or comfortable with either, if they kick off, get sulky etc then tell them you will not be manipulated and if they press the matter then they are not respecting you and your feelings. These are just a few things to look out for in a manipulating partner and if you see these signs then maybe give them a trial period as cold as it sounds (without telling them) and when the time is up decide and confer with a trusted, wise and experienced friend or professional or church leader to help you decide what to do.

Abuse of any kind being acceptable: Abuse comes in many forms, verbal, sexual, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial and more. Abuse should NEVER been seen as normal or tolerated, it is a one strike and you are out rule, you cannot overlook a person who abuses you, as Christians our standards must be very high and our respect for ourselves without question. Such cliché remarks such as “Well nobody is perfect” “They cant take a joke” “For better or worse” are not acceptable, there is a person out there that will not give you snide remarks, sarcasm and offensive jokes about your body or intellect or say any other demeaning things about you in order to belittle you and make you feel inferior. The different types of abuse are self explained but to be clear, verbal abuse is when your partner swears at you, says nasty things about you etc.

If something doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t, trust your intuition and any knowledge you have about human behaviour

1.Sexual abuse is making you do things that you are not happy and comfortable in doing of a sexual nature

2. Emotional abuse is withholding affection if you do not give in to your partners demands emotional blackmail, silent treatment, intimidation and fear inducing behaviour

3. Psychological abuse is mentally tormenting your partner and playing mind games with them, controlling them as to where they can or cannot go and generally making them feel inferior and of low worth

4. Spiritual abuse is using your position of authority as a leader or spiritually mature person in a manner of controlling them by claims that God is telling them that you must do what they say and saying you are not being in submission and will be out of God’s will or even being divinely punished

5. Financial abuse or manipulation can be withholding money, even preventing the partner from working so that they are dependent on the abuser. If however a person has money discipline issues then a certain amount of control is acceptable

To be continued…